Friday, September 21, 2007

Inspiration by Stuart Smalley

Sometimes, that is all you need to hear...

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Pernicious Pet Peeves

Everyone has pet peeves that drive him/her insane. I have several. Possibly more than I (or anyone) should.

* Grown-ups acting like children (especially at work). I have to enforce enough rules with the kids...I don't want to have to hold the hand of the staff too. When I ask you to put your cell phone away during class, that doesn't mean use it only when I am not looking. What exactly are we teaching our patients?

* Walking into a restroom stall and finding a large wad of toilet paper that hasn't been completely flushed. No floaters, usually. Just this wad of toilet paper. Seriously...who in the world needs that much toilet paper?

*People who cut in front of you on the freeway then find it necessary to slow down to 45 mph (no exaggeration). This happened thrice yesterday. I just don't get it.

*Looking for some matching socks and realizing that the sock monster has eaten one side of the pair!

*When people mistreat my friends. I know a darling girl who has spent many hours fretting about a completely irrational predicament because she was mistreated.

*Sitting down to a seemingly happy movie and ending up in tears by the end of it. If a movie is marketted as a jovial, family-friendly movie, I DO NOT WANT TO WEEP (Fox and the Hound, Little Mermaid, Miss Potter...)

*When people ignore good ideas simply because they don't care for the person who came up with the idea. I can not expound on this or I would be guilty of a HIPAA violation.

*Little kids who try to strike up conversations in public bathrooms. No, I don't care that you went to the aquarium today, yes, I know you are supposed to wash your hands before you eat, and it is none of your business why I am putting on lipgloss. Where's your mother?

* Jerks who refuse to use their blinkers. Is it really to hard?

Here are a few of my pet peeves. Please feel free to add your own special peeves. Enlighten me.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Matching Socks

When I woke up this morning I was tired. As most of you know, my best blogs are written when I'm tired. Not saying this will be one of my best blogs...whatever.
Anyway, I was tired when I woke up this morning for reasons unknown. I stumbled around, brushed my teeth, took a shower, the usual. When I got to my closet I was distressed because I couldn't find matching socks!
I need to wear socks, I thought. In a panic, I tore through my half-full suitcase (optimist), random clothing on the floor, even my dirty clothes hamper. I realized that some sock eater had made a scrumptious meal of every other sock that I owned. I continued my search.
Why is it so important to wear matching socks in the first place? What has society come to that says I need to go crazy for 20 minutes to find a sock that looks like another? I had to sit down at this realization, this epiphany. I felt oppressed and short of breath. How dare society impose that amount of strain on people.
Wait a minute! I am my own person! To hell with societal pressure! With new found determination I clumsily grabbed two socks and jammed them on my feet. I looked at them proudly, one blue/purple striped and the other black with cartoon cats on it, knowing that I was fighting against the current. I was going against the norm!
At this point one thought occurred to me:

I need to do laundry tonight.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Spotted Tape from China

"Andy! What did you get me for my birthday?" I asked as I do for any occasion that demands gifts.

"I don't know," he ALWAYS replies though I know that if I can hold out long enough he will eventually tell me."

"Well, give me a hint," I say putting on the sweetest act I can muster.

"OK. Spotted Tape from China." What the hell? Spotted Tape from China? As I curiously opened the envelope to my card, I saw that inside the card were 2 concert tickets! What concert, you may ask? DEF LEPPARD, STYX, and FOREIGNER!! For those of you who are unaware of my love for Styx, it is a true love that will last a lifetime.

3 1/2 months later...

September 7: the day of the concert.

I anxiously put on my "Pour some Sugar on Me" t-shirt in support of the headlining band (even though I am most excited to see Styx) and Andy and I stop by La Frontera for a tasty treat. We get in the car 1 hour before the concert starts and make our way to West Valley City.

Wall to wall traffic. Curses! We wait, and wait, and wait. 7pm comes and goes and we wait.

At 7:30 we park and hurry to find out seats at the amphitheater (which is, by this time, extremely full and extremely drunk). Foreigner is booming in the background. Aging hair band roadies are drunkenly giving everyone they can find hugs and high fives. There is quite a diversity of people around. You have your crack whores who are about 85 pounds soaking wet and look like their skin has melted off and been reapplied. There are old men who undoubtedly own Porches due to their new found state of mid-life crises during which they have also bought their 25 year old wives (or mistresses) a shiny new set of DDD boobs. Impressive. No need to mention the 40-somethings with long mullets that are becoming skullets rocking out to their music of yesteryear as they pour their 10th cup of $9 beer down their throats. Then you have a whole bunch of 13, 14 year olds who probably found Dad's secret stash of 80's albums. These kids are great. They stand around awkwardly surrounded by old people occasionally headbanging until they get dizzy then they resort to playing on their cell phones. Then, Andy and me.

Jukebox Hero comes on...Every arm raises into the air and begins to pump in time with the music. The audience, indeed, has stars in their eyes. The crack hags were swaying slightly self-conscious of people watching them, the old men with their mistresses bounce in time to the music looking around while they sing to prove that they know the words, the old rockers sway psychedelically with their arms raised in homage to the rock gods. Wonderful. Foreigner is grand...but I am waiting for Styx.

When Styx comes on the stage I squeal with delight! I love every minute from "Blue Collar Man" to "Renegade"! What a fantastic show they put on! When "Come Sail Away" begins, not only do all hands return to the air, but lighters (cell phones for us non smokers) light up the entire audience. It is fabulous! We sway and sing...exactly what I was hoping for! I must admit with the tiniest bit of embarrassment that during "Renegade" I am guilty of not only the white man overbite but also of the New Jersey fist pump. Bottom line: I LOVE STYX!!!

Then, all Hell breaks loose. Def Leppard takes the stage and you can tell that this is what the majority of the audience is waiting for. Bras come of, shirts come off, women climb on the stage, just pandemonium. I am surprised how many songs I can easily sing to. We proudly belt out such songs as "Rocket," "Rock of Ages," "Love Bites," and of course, "Pour some sugar on me." As we sing and dance conservatively, crazy old people are stripping, dirty dancing, and making lewd gestures at each other. It is a blast!

Leaving is a different story. We walk out to the lot, find the car, and begin our hour and a half wait to get out of the parking lot. During our wait we see a man and woman doing inappropriate-for-blogging actions in the car. We see random drunk people stumbling around and yelling at others. My personal favorite is when a drunk man (seen previously at the concert running across an aisle of people slapping high fives) stumbles "behind" a car (in plain sight) and begins peeing without pulling his pants down. I check with Andy to make sure that I am not imagining anything. He confirms. Gross.

I had a fabulous time! I am excited for the next concert (worth going to) that comes to Salt Lake!

PS- if you are curious as to why Andy gave me the hint of "Spotted Tape From China": Leopards are spotted, tape sticks, and if you are from China you are Foreign. There you go. Problem Solved.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

The Mystery of the Runaway car

The bottom line is I needed shoes.

I put on an outfit, ready to go to a party, when I realized that something was missing.

I needed shoes.

Arm in arm with an ecstatic Andy, we skipped (no lie) into Nordstrom Rack and directed our eyes toward the shoe department. Minutes after landing in the 8 1/2 department I spotted the most delectable pair of bright red patent leather shoes! How spectacular they would look with my outfit!

I marched proudly to the counter and purchased my new-found treasure.

Upon exiting the Rack, Andy and I passed a most peculiar sight: A person-less Nissan was rolling straight for an unsuspecting Subaru! Andy, being the virile manly man that he is, gallantly saved the Subaru from a fate worse than death by stepping in the path of destruction. With Andy holding the car I ran to his side to assist in the hold of the beast. Together we struggled to push the angry Nissan back into it's assigned no avail. We resorted to keeping the Nissan at bay.

Struggling against the weight of the car, Andy and I began to perspire in the late afternoon sun. A few passersby noticed the sweat on our brows and asked if they could do anything to help. We requested they run into nearby stores to page the owner of the snarling beast. More onlookers approached to help out. One knight in shining minivan ran to the nearest Shopko to find some sort of object with which to contain this ferocious automobile. Minutes later, Sir Knight (I will call him Aloysius) emerged with a large plank of wood. Aloysius immediately began stomping on the wood to make smaller planks of wood. Brilliant.
With great strength Andy, Aloysius, and I heaved the attacking Nissan back into its space, quickly shoving wood pieces under the tires to keep it stationary. As we congratulated each other for our courage and superhuman abilities the owner of the Nissan walked out of Nordstrom Rack.
"What's going on?" asked the oblivious owner.
"Your car was rolling and almost hit that Subaru," said Andy indicating the frightened Subaru.
"Oh," said the owner. "OK."
The owner got into his car and drove away.
I walked away with adorable shoes.