Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Musical Massacre

I am really tired of Hollywood making decent musicals into abhorringly bad movies. I am tired of getting my hopes up over and over again by movie musicals that promise a good time, great talent, and integrity of the script, then...nothing. You spend $8 to see a piece of crap; a display of every and any actor that wants to try his/her hand at singing. Guess what kids, THEY SUCK! God forbid these casting directors choose people who actually have talent. God forbid they choose people who don't make your ears bleed the moment they open their mouths. Even if the actor has a mediocre voice, why was that particular person chosen over thousands of others who have 10x more talent. As a paying customer, it is a travesty. Shame on me. You think I would learn my lesson one of these days.
This weekend I was, once again, underwhelmed by big names and crappy voices that made up the latest of musical massacres. I sat and cringed as a man croaked out 'Knowing me, Knowing you.' I rolled my eyes as 'Dancing Queen' all of sudden transitioned into a slow motion montage of an old lady jumping on the bed (even though the music itself was at the normal tempo). I was frustrated as the songs I know and love were changed, defiled, and at times, completely deleted from the movie. On the whole, Mama Mia did not thrill me. I will add it to my list of forgettable movie musicals (which consists of: Phantom of the Opera, Evita, Rent, Sweeney Todd, and others that don't happen to come to mind at the moment).
If you loved Mama Mia or any other movie musicals that I have jotted down, I mean no offence. I am not looking for anyone to challenge me, as this is my opinion. I am thoroughly tickeled if these films were able to entertain, nay, inspire you. Wonderful. I am so glad for you.
My stance is that standards should not be lowered to excell at the box office. I am disappointed in the casting directors (for choosing this), the authors of the play (to allow it to happen), and people like me (who will pay $8 to see crap hoping that they will be wrong).

Monday, July 14, 2008

The perfect dress...

My darling friend, Kirsten, is getting married in September! In the midst of the renting, scheduling, reserving, and planning, Kirsten is faced with the question that so many before her have faced: Vanity or practicality?
Sure, she could buy a dress for a few thousand dollars and look simply spectacular or she could spend a few hundred, use the other money elsewhere, and still look fabulous. However, Kirsten is faced with a third and very compelling possibility: Obtain an 80s monstrosity from an unnamed relative, rip it apart and turn it into something awesome!
Here begins the journey to make the perfect dress.

Here is the dress as it was presented to Kirsten. Sadly, we didn't think to include the hat in this picture. Take my word for it...it is awesome.

Notice the incredibly chic lace collar along with the pleated skirt (the height of sophistication). Also notice how the waistline of the skirt is a good 4 inches lower than where it should be. I don't feel the need to point out the puffy sleeves or the sequined applique...those speak for themselves.

First step: Detach the hideous demons that were the sleeves. This was no little feat...after 10-15 minutes of trying to kill the monster with a seam ripper, I realized that this task required something a little more serious. I brought out my trusty scissors and chopped the beasts off! Here they are weak and helpless, waiting to be made into straps.

Second step: Figure out a way to place the waistline where it should be: at the waist. So, raise the dress four inches (creating a more modest neckline) and taking the dress in where necessary. The beading and sequins needed to go, but that would come in due time.

Third step: Attach straps and figure out what to do with the back. Kirsten liked the look of the buttons, but not quite all 63 of them. So, attach straps, reinforce them, create a new line in the back, reattach buttons.

Because the structure of the dress became non-existent with the detachment of the sleeves, we chose to create the criss-cross straps for structural security.

Fourth step: Dry clean the dress and add the crinoline (or petticoat, or slip, whatever). Add the sash to tie in Wedding colors.

Fifth step: Bustle the back of the dress. We used several under bustles. Realize that the criss-cross straps are asinine and make the dress into a halter (creating easier movement for the bride).

Sixth step: Add the veil. Voila: the completed look in six easy steps!

The finished product. Doesn't she look stunning?

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Tanning by Moonlight

After a grueling workout session on Monday, Hilary and I decided we needed a fun, easy workout on Tuesday. We decided that a game of tennis and a pleasant swim would do just the trick.
We donned our bathing suits with our tennis clothes over them, grabbed our tennis rackets and made our to toward the tennis court. We were so excited to give our hurting muscles a break and spend the evening having fun.
As we approached the tennis court we saw two men (whose shirts seemed to have gone missing) were already occupying the court. They smacked the ball back and fourth as if they were using a wet fish as opposed to a racket. Hilary and I sighed in unison. "How long do you think you will be playing?" Hilary shouted across the court. One of the half naked men noticed our existence and shrugged. Awesome.
We redirected and chose to go swimming first. Entering the pool area was comparable to entering a lame dance club for 13-year-olds. The three little girls in bikinis (much too revealing)
were enjoying the ever present bass beat that made us normal people feel a little nauseous. Aside from the constant 'boom boom' felt by all of your internal organs, there was very little melody to be found. I can't tell you what it was that was playing, only that it could be classified as crap. Hilary and I slowly began removing our shorts hoping that the ongoing tennis game would end before we got down to only our bathing suits. No dice. Hilary and I observed the children for a while as they whispered to each other and giggled like the thirteen-year-olds that they were. We got into the water and half-heartedly swam for a bit, chatting and enjoying the cool water, when all of the sudden we heard a string of obscenities emerge from one of the children. Hilary's expression mirrored mine as we stared at each other in disgust and shock. Not only were the little girls using every profanity imaginable, but their topic of conversation was very crass and sexual. They were mentioning things that (hopefully) they didn't know exactly what it meant. I was hoping that they were just repeating what they had hear from an obviously classy mother or sister.
We observed as the three girls jumped out of the pool, into the jacuzzi, over to text on their cell phones, back into the pool, back into the jacuzzi, back to texting, repeat...until one of the girls had a brilliant idea. The girls huddled behind the soda machine, out of sight from anyone in the pool (also the security camera). "Do they have handcuffs?" Hilary asked. I glanced over to the girls who had broken the huddle and one of them was indeed holding a pair of handcuffs.
They giggled as they hooked one of the girls to another and jumped into the water. "It's hard to swim handcuffed!" exclaimed on of the girls. This statement made all three burst into laughter as if it suggested something inappropriate.
"I wonder if they found those handcuffs in mom's drawer," I wondered.
"I wonder if they removed the fuzzy part to bring them into the pool," said Hilary.
"I wonder what it feels like to know that you are a future prostitute," I asked.
"I wonder what it feels like to know that you are a future statistic for teenage pregnancy," Hilary retorted.
We shook our heads in disgust as we dried off, put on our cover-ups and went back to my apartment fully aware that the tennis court was still being used.

Bikini fashioned to make one look like a skank...$45
A pair of shiny handcuffs undoubtedly found by snooping in a place a 13-year-old shouldn't be...$0
Experimenting with every word in the Sailor Handbook free of adult supervision...PRICELESS.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008


Ok...this weekend I saw one of my favorite people in quite the kick-ass show, Altar Boyz. To all of you in the Salt Lake/Park City area,


I promise you will laugh, be inspired, possibly offended, and have an all around great time. My darling friend, Josh Black, along with four other extraordinarily gifted cast members (including the beautifully talented Thomas Marcus) present an upbeat parody-musical of a Christian boy band. These five guys are fantastic vocalists and never seem to be out of breath (despite the 90 minute non-stop show in which they spend every second on stage...dancing).

Anyway, if you are cool enough to go see the show, you will certainly understand my passionate view.

Here is the website to read more about it (and purchase tickets).

http://www.egyptian theatrecompany.org/2008_Season_Pages/Altar_Boyz_08.html