Thursday, May 17, 2012

Summer Magic

For years now Andy has been telling me about a horrible Disney movie called “Summer Magic”. This movie came one year before Mary Poppins and I am SO glad Disney learned their lesson. I suppose I would call “Summer Magic” moderately entertaining because it provided excellent mocking material.

The talent: Whoever decided that Hayley Mills should sing should be horsewhipped. It was also shocking how yellow the mother’s teeth were. I understand the movie was made in a time when cigarettes were the height of sophistication but seriously folks. Those chompers were urine yellow. Burl Ives made the movie bearable because he has that “jovial fat man” look which seems to inspire a feeling of happiness. And then some greying man comes in at the very end of the movie and makes a pass at 15-year-old Hayley Mills. Gross. I obviously do not grasp the differences of socially acceptable behavior in 1963 vs. now. And no Disney movie would be complete without the whiney kid who constantly squints his eyes and vomits the one liners that I guess are supposed to be endearing.

The plot (or lack thereof): The movie is reportedly based off of a book and I am tempted to visit the library to prove it. If it is based off a book, it must be a picture book. Andy put it succinctly when he stated, “Summer Magic is a vehicle for reject Mary Poppins’s tunes and stock footage from Disney’s Classic Nature Documentaries.” Somehow, songs get thrown into Summer Magic that have nothing to do with the plot and are so unbearably boring that I got up and made dinner just so I didn’t have to watch it. Some of these gems include, "Beautiful Beulah", the title song "Summer Magic", "The Pink of Perfection", and Ugly Bug Ball. All of this is forgivable until you reach the song “Femininity”. This song deserves its own section.

Femininity. Let’s take a look at the lyrics, shall we?

You must walk feminine
Talk feminine
Smile and beguile feminine
Utilize your femininity
That's what every girl should know,
if she wants to catch a beau

Dance feminine
Glance feminine
Act shy and sigh feminine
Compliment his masculinity
That's what every girl should know,
if she wants to catch a beau

Let him do the talking
Men adore good listeners
Laugh, but not too loudly (Haha)
If he should choose to tell a joke
Be radiant, but delicate
Memorize the rules of etiquette
Be demure, sweet and pure
Hide the real you

You must look feminine
Dress feminine
You're at your best feminine
Emphasize your femininity
That's what every girl should know
Femininity, femininity
That's the way to catch a beau

I have nothing to add to this. It makes me laugh and cry at the same time. My personal favorite is the last line of the verse: “Hide the real you.” What a great message for young girls. Here is the link to the song if you really must watch it. Be warned, it is performed by Hayley Mills. Ugh.

Well done, Disney. Well done. I look forward to finding a worse movie than this. I have a sneaking suspicion I'll find one. Perhaps "The One and Only, Genuine, Original Family Band"?