Tuesday, January 19, 2010

A letter to the customers of TRAX:

To the woman who tries to bum a cigarette off me everyday:
I didn’t have a cigarette two weeks ago, last week, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. Why would you assume that I had one today? Just in case I decided to take up smoking since yesterday?

To the angry adolescent who insists on turning his ipod up to share his music with everyone despite the fact that he is wearing ear bud head phones:
You are a douche and you have terrible taste in music.

To the teenage boys who have recently discovered swear words and therefore play the game “Who can insert the most profanity into one sentence?”:
Children, grow up. You look stupid. You sound stupid. Therefore, you must be stupid. Good luck in life.

To the psycho who finds in necessary to scream obscenities, jump from the platform onto the train tracks, and spin around in circles until you fall down:
I just don’t even know.

To the woman who reeks like cigarette smoke and the unwashed college boy with offensive body odor and greasy hair:
Please take into consideration that you will be in very close proximity to people who take pride in their appearance and actually get ready in the morning. They do not wish to stink like a chimney and/or pubescent boy.

To the man who stands on the platform and hocks loogies every 45 seconds:
That is just disgusting. What makes you think it is appropriate behavior to cover the tracks with your sinus content? Also, if you need to spit so often, there is probably something wrong with you. I suggest you see a doctor.

To the dude who solves the Rubix cube over and over during his ride to wherever:
I am super impressed. So is everyone else.

To the inconsiderate miscreants who won’t give up his/her seat for elderly, pregnant women, handicapped people, or families:
Karma. It will come back to you. And it will bite you.

Monday, January 18, 2010

What the hell?

Have you ever had one of those 'what the hell' moments? I am sure you have. I feel like I have a 'what the hell' moment at least once a day.

So, New Year's Day I met my friend at Barnes and Noble. After we had our fill of wedding talk and tea, we parted ways and I made my way south on 1300 East. I was singing along to whatever Boston song was playing on 103.5 when I looked up and noticed a man walking down the street. The man was dirty looking (possibly partying too hard to ring in the new year), sporting a short sweatshirt and baggy pants. But wait a minute. Usually when a man wears baggy pants, you would see boxers sticking out. The man was missing boxers. Rather, his junk was flapping in the wind.

I drove by and had to check my rearview mirror to make sure I had really seen what I saw. Sure enough, my rearview mirror was filled with a hairy butt.

Now, I don't know if 1. this fellow was on a walk of shame, was 2. so drunk that he didn't realize that he had forgotten his underpants or 3. was a pervert. I just don't know.

Therefore, What the hell?

Friday, January 1, 2010


Disclaimer: Because of the strong language used during this story, the 'F' word will be substituted with 'potato chips'. Thanks to Levi for the choice of substitute.

So, on the flight from Denver to Northwest Regional Arkansas, we had the pleasure of flying with the klassiest of people. This debutante was no doubt reared in the bustling metropolis of Pineville, Missouri and had obviously never been on a plane before.

As Denver will sometimes get cold, we had to wait for a little while to de-ice the plane. Any one who has traveled during winter knows the drill. We waited for about an hour to de-ice and get on our way. During this process, the pilot made the following announcement:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we will be getting on our way as soon as possible. Because of the de-icing process, we will need to shut down the plane's cooling system, but we'll have that up and running as soon as possible. Thank you for your patience."

Not five minutes later, we heard a loud voice scream "AIR.....AIR!!!" from somewhere in the back of the plane. If the general bellow wasn't enough to shock and embarrass everyone on the plane, this peach decided it was necessary to go proceed with an impressive knowledge of the sailor's dictionary. Example:

"Why is there no 'potato chips' air on this 'potato chips' plane? If I don't get some mother 'potato chips' air I am going to have a 'potato chips' fit! What is the 'potato chips' deal? Is it so 'potato chips' hard to get some air on this 'potato chips' plane?

Klassy. Nuff said.