Friday, August 15, 2008

Gas prices

Yesterday I filled up my car. I drove to the nearest Tesoro and felt some .
satisfaction that the price read $3.99/gallon. Like a child at Christmas, I inserted my debit card, chose the type of gas and began filling my car. How wonderful it was to be filling up at something other than $4.17/gallon
The handle clicked, telling me that the tank was full. I grabbed the receipt that read $48.12 and climbed into my car.

Then I realized how pathetic it was. I paid $48 instead of $53. Either way it was way more than I want to put into my car twice a month. The happiness I had felt at $3.99/gallon disappeared. I am a product of conditioning.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Pardon me. I just vomitted.

Ever wonder what the SLC fire department does during their spare time while on call? Allow me to enlighten you.
The fun began at Smith's supermarket around 11 am. As the usual process proceeded, I obtained the vegetables, fruit, cheese, tortillas, etc. All was normal until I approached the breakfast meat. Two women stood to my left (a twenty-year-old and a forty-year-old who thought she was a twenty-year-old)debating over which pre-packed hamburgers would be the best. To my right was a group of firemen who were standing in a huddle, sneaking peaks at the hamburger women, obviously trying to formulate the best plan of action. It must be mentioned that that these firemen were in no way attractive. They were old, ugly, fat, and greasy.

One of Salt Lake's bravest hitched up his pants and abandoned his huddle in pursuit of the burger ladies. I tried to concentrate on which bacon to purchase as I heard possibly the most feeble pick-up attempt ever tried:

Fireman: Hey, ladies (said the greaser in a 'come hither' voice). Are you gonna cook us dinner? (low laughter from the huddle of firemen)
Burger Girls: HAhahahahaha! No! We were just buying some stuff for our camping trip.
Fireman: I hope you ladies aren't going alone. There are bears up there.
B.G.: Hahahahahahahahaha!(Older lady:) No, no! My boyfriend is going with us. HAhahahahaha.
Fireman:Well maybe I should go too. I don't know what kind of
man your boyfriend is.
B.G.: Ahahahahahaha! Well, if we do get mauled by a bear, hopefully we will be drunk enough to not feel it. We have all sorts of beer and liquor to take with us. Hahahaha!
Fireman: Mmmm, beer. We do that while we're on the clock!
Huddle and BG erupt into laughter. I grabbed the nearest pack of bacon and left.

I continue my shopping picking up milk, eggs, and soda on my way. I stop in front of the yogurt and try to decide if I want to drinkable yogurt or the regular cup of yogurt. I was in the middle of this maddening predicament when out of the corner of my eye I see a huddle of firemen.
'Dear Jesus,' I prayed. 'Please don't let what I think is going to happen, happen.'
I pretend not to notice the unfortunate looking firemen as I grabbed the nearest yogurt choice and sped off toward the register.

"Excuse me, ma'am," hissed the same greasy voice. I turned to face him, obviously annoyed that he was standing there. "You seem to have a lot of groceries in your cart." He smiled at some inside joke that I apparently missed.

"Thank you?" I replied, unsure if he was making a compliment or an observation.

He swaggered up a little closer to me. Unfortunately not close enough for me to feel threatened. Lord knows what would have come from that. "Are you going to cook dinner for us?"

I couldn't believe it. He was using the same line on me. Out of the million retorts that ran through my head I could only spit out a disgusted "no" before walking away.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

I relish the stupidity of others


Jacksonville police say Reginald Peterson needs to learn that 911 is not the appropriate place to complain that Subway left the sauce off a spicy Italian sandwich.

Police said the 42-year-old man dialed 911 twice last week so he could have his sub made correctly. The second call was to complain that officers weren't arriving fast enough.

Subway workers told police Peterson became belligerent and yelled when they were fixing his order. They locked him out of the store after he left to call police.

When officers arrived, they tried to calm Peterson and explain the proper use of 911. Those efforts failed, and he was arrested on a charge of making false 911 calls.