Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The Sight of a Legend

Trax is often a boring necessity which takes me from the parking structure to work everyday. Today, it served as a wondrous experience. I boarded the train and grabbed the nearest seat, grumpy to be awake and active so early in the morning. My normal routine is to stare out the window and pretend that no one else exists, but something was different today.

From the corner of my right eye, I saw a scruffy red beard. I turned to gaze out the window. Something bothered me about the glimpse of the beard. I snuck another peek to the right. There was thick reddish hair to accompany the red scruffy beard. I turned back to the window and tried to place how I knew this man. I scanned my brain and tried to place this recognizable hair-do. Then it hit me.

I let out a small cry as this man’s appearance registered in my memory. I was sitting next to Chuck Norris.

I was sitting next to Chuck Norris. I kept stealing glances to my right to confirm that this was indeed the bad-ass that was Chuck Norris. The legend that inspired the Chuck Norris facts (www.chucknorrisfacts.com). After my sixth double-take, Chuck Norris looked at me and smiled. Confirmation: this was Chuck Norris, in Salt Lake City, on TRAX. I think I smiled back. It might have been a grimace or something that resembled choking. I can’t be sure.

As we sat there staring at each other, the train pulled into the Ft. Douglas stop. Chuck Norris got up, grabbed his man purse, winked at me, and strode to the door.

I turned in my seat. “Wait!” I heard myself say. “Can I have your autograph?”

Chuck Norris looked at me. “Now, why would you want that?” Chuck Norris gave me a sly smirk and chuckled.

I blushed. How was I supposed to answer that? “Well, because you are Chuck Norris!” I scraped for the reason Chuck Norris was looking for.

Chuck Norris chuckled again. The doors to the train opened. “I’m not Chuck Norris, but thanks.” With that, Chuck Norris exited the train.

Is this story true? Possibly. I will leave you with this Chuck Norris Fact:

“Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.”


Anonymous said...

Oh Candace. The hilarity never stops. I can't believe you were so reckless around the most dangerous weapon ever created. Luckily you didn't anger him. I once heard that Mr. Norris is so easily angered that on a past trip to Disneyland he shut down the Small World ride. It took 14 SWAT teams, 3 Navy Seal units, and a puppy to finally calm him down. On the official report of the incident it said only "World: too small for Chuck Norris' liking." That's why he spends his time living in a quantum universe. Chuck needs all places and all times to be satisfied.
So you got lucky.
On the other hand, you might have been making that guys day.
Guy: "wow, I should shower and shave less often. This chick totally digs me." "I think I'll smile to let her know I'm interested."
Candace: *gag* *gasp* “smiling, smiling. Ch…Ch…Chuck Norris. It’s him, it’s really him.”
Guy: “what a great day. Skipped my shower this morning, slept in an extra 15 minutes and now I’m swimming in ladies.” “Well, here’s my exit. What a confidence boost. I really needed that this morning. Oops, can’t forget my purse. Now I’ll just slide on by this pretty lady and giver her my best ‘hey’ face.” *Wink*
Candace: "oh my god. Chuck Norris just winked at me. I better be careful...Chuck's wink can cause immaculate conception." “No, I can’t let it end this way.”
Candace starts talking, unbeknownst to her conscious mind.
Candace: “Wait! Can I have your autograph?” She says out loud; almost out of breathe for the weight of the moment.
Guy: “Ha, silly girl. It’s called a phone number, not an autograph. I knew that ‘hey’ face was a good one.” “Now I’ll play coy.”
Guy: “Now, why would you want that?” “Yes, nice line bro. Now just reel her in.”
Candace: “Oh God. Answer him right Candace. This is some sort of riddle that deities play. Perfect answer, perfect answer, perfect answer.” “Well, because you are Chuck Norris!” “Whew, well done Candace. Must’ve been right. Currently no roundhouse kick trauma.”
Guy: *hiding tears* “Oh no. She was never interested in me.”
Guy: “I’m not Chuck Norris, but thanks.” *Whimper*

Or maybe that’s what Chuck Norris wanted you to think. It’s like Jesus…in a non-sacrilegious way. Just like it was when Jesus was all like “You said it, not me” so it is with Chuck Norris. Perhaps in his omnipotent way he was all “if she’s a true believer then she will know who I am.” I think you were supposed to give him a dollar or something.

Man, this comment makes no sense. Now I know how a schizophrenic ADHD dog feels. Thanks for the post, it always brightens my day.



Mandee Shaffer said...

OH MY GOSH! AAAHHH! NO WAY? THAT"S SOOO AWESOME!!!!!!!!! And the last comment your friend made is halarious. that's fantastic.