Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Choose your own adventure: Candace's graceful flight

Read the story and choose your own adventure!

In her usual rush to catch the 4:30 train, Candace quickly punches her time card and logs out of her computer at 4:23. Without much thought other than making the train she runs to the stairs behind her office. If Candace decides to be lazy and take the elevator, please skip to PART V. If Candace takes the stairs continue to PART II.

Candace wishes her co-workers a pleasant weekend and walks through the door to the stairwell. She realizes that he had received a voicemail while she was at work. If Candace decides to wait until she reaches the train before checking her voicemail, skip to PART VI. If Candace absentmindedly grabs her phone to check her messages, continue to PART III.

Candace grabs her phone and looks to see who called her. This small, insignificant decision distracts Candace. This small, insignificant distraction causes Candace to miss the first step. As Candace misses the first step, she drops her phone (which plummets down the thirteen stair flight) and grabs the railing for dear life. She lets out a desperate cry as her shins make contact with the second stair with all of her body weight assisting the collision. If Candace is able to catch herself there skip to PART VII. If Candace loses her hold on the railing, continue to PART IV.

As Candace's shins endure an unbelievable amount of pressure due to the sandwiching of them by the stair and the rest of her body, her hand slips off of the hand rail and she tumbles down the thirteen stair flight, not unlike her phone. Candace is able to hit every stair and hand rail available to her and finally finds solace on the landing. She sits there stunned as she catches her breath, assesses the situation, and finds the courage to see if anything is broken. To find out what happens next, skip to PART VIII.

Candace wishes her co-workers a pleasant weekend and decides that she doesn't feel like taking the stairs. Candace takes the elevator, chastises herself for being so lazy, and safely walks to the train.

Candace leaves her phone where it is, understanding that she should pay attention the the stairs as she descends them. Candace safely makes it downstairs, to the train and proceeds to check her messages from the comfort, safety, and warmth of trax.

Candace is able to steady herself and make sure that neither tibia is broken. She chuckles to herself for being such a klutz and slowly walks down the four flights of stairs, picking her discarded phone on the way. Candace makes it safely to the train and retrieves her voicemail.

Candace doesn't think anything is broken as she can move her feet with only screaming pain. She tries to stand. Since nothing snapped upon standing, Candace figures her legs probably aren't broken. Candace decides to screw the following three flights of stairs and takes the elevator. After retrieving her phone, she hobbles out of the hospital in which she works and limps across the street. She finds refuge and comfort on trax and forgets about the voicemail. Who cares anyway. She calls her sister to regale the tale.


Anonymous said...

This certainly doesn't count as Schadenfreude...even though I just laughed the tinkle out a bit. I was laughing at your superb telling of the story, not the suffering. Sorry to hear that you desperately tried to break yourself. You know what I did? I skipped right to the part where Candace was lazy and took the elevator. I identify with that character much more. But that's why you have a hilarious blog, and I do not.


Jessica said...

I am sorry to report that in my version of the story, you personally introduced yourself to every single stair... again, sorry.

Jessica (April's buddy)

Candace said...

no worries. In real life, I introduced myself to every single stair. Ouch.

Stef said...

Wow that really sucks! I'm sorry you fell down all the stairs. Atleast now you have a great excuse to be lazy and just take the elevator. Is this the incedent that happened a couple of weeks ago? Or this last friday?

Elena Loo said...

I felt like I was reading a Goosebumps book again!!! That was fun -thansk... but I'M SO SORRY about your poor body falling down the stairs. That is one of my fears you know. Especially while carrying a laundry basket or Huck (more so the second scenario than the first).
Hope you heal quickly!!