Friday, February 13, 2009

A howling good time.

Andy and I have discovered what brings out the worst in us. We found out what reveals the inner bigot and what diminishes the conscience to allow unthinkable remarks to freely fly from our mouths. I am, of course, referring to the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show provided a very enjoyable and thoroughly inappropriate evening for us last night.

It began innocently enough, with the hound group. We oohed and ahhed over the adorable dogs until something caught Andy’s attention. “I think you have to be an unbearably ugly woman to show hounds.”
How true it is, too! Out of all of the different groups of dogs, the handlers of the hounds were, by far, the most pitiful. We laughed as each outfit shown became more and more atrocious. We questioned the handlers’ sexual orientation and settled on the idea that if the handlers look painfully terrible, their dogs would look better. No excuse. No excuse at all.

From that point on, our participation in the dog show increased ten fold. We began mocking the commentators and picking apart the gaits of the handlers. We decided which dogs shouldn't win and shouted our discontent when they did (damn standard poodles. I hate them).

When all was said and done, our evening turned out to be one which would make Mel Brooks proud. Not a single race was left un-offended. Not a single outfit went without severe ridicule (what with their Dr. Scholl's shoes and ill-fitting, shiney skirt-suits). Not an ugly dog was left unnamed (that’s right…we even attacked the dogs). However, amidst all of our negative comments, we were very happy that the 10 year old sussex spaniel won. Way to go, Stump!

We have decided that when we have a house, we will get a German Wirehaired Pointer named Beard Man and an English bulldog named Awesome Dude.


Anonymous said...

Well told, as usual. My favorite line, however, may surprise you. I saw the irony in "We found out what reveals the inner bigot and what diminishes the conscience to allow unthinkable remarks to freely fly from our mouths" to be utterly preposterous. The fact that you think you have an "inner" bigot is hilarious! If I remember correctly you were the one that openly mocked Sarah Palin's half-wit retarded son. That, my dear, was not brought forth by the dog show, I'm sorry. I'm not exactly sure to what you really attribute your ability to forgo social conscience and decency, but I assure you that it is not the dog show. I think your lack-luster grasp at introspectiveness is grotesque. Furthermore, I don't know that I wish to associate with someone so mean spirited as I am afraid to be burned by your acid tongue.

On a lighter note, I really like the gays that show the "sporting" dogs. Yeah, like these prancing fairies know anything about sport. "Ass spelunking" is a hobby, not a sport...regardless of how many players. Just because you get sweaty and occasionally shower afterword it doesn't mean that you're "sporting". Just because you play with guns doesn't mean you need a hunting dog. Silly gays.

In conclusion, I would like to point out the fact that we are all biased, or bigoted, in some fashion and those who argue have no perspective and have obviously never been hounded by kids in Mexico to buy chicle. I hate hippies. You know what makes me great? I keep my prejudices to myself. Sure I hate uglies, fatties, d-bags and the like but I keep it to myself. I try to carry myself as a gentleman when in public.

And "I would never ever have sex with a child."

Lovingly, Brett

Mandee Shaffer said...

"Rhapsody in White's got two mommies..."

Emilia said...

You are so right! My Opera singers and I spent the week in Mt. Pleasant. There was absolutely nothing to do so we all ended up watching the dog show. And can I just say are so right! And they never wear anything that is meant to be run in, let alone with a dog. :)