Monday, August 11, 2008

Pardon me. I just vomitted.

Ever wonder what the SLC fire department does during their spare time while on call? Allow me to enlighten you.
The fun began at Smith's supermarket around 11 am. As the usual process proceeded, I obtained the vegetables, fruit, cheese, tortillas, etc. All was normal until I approached the breakfast meat. Two women stood to my left (a twenty-year-old and a forty-year-old who thought she was a twenty-year-old)debating over which pre-packed hamburgers would be the best. To my right was a group of firemen who were standing in a huddle, sneaking peaks at the hamburger women, obviously trying to formulate the best plan of action. It must be mentioned that that these firemen were in no way attractive. They were old, ugly, fat, and greasy.

One of Salt Lake's bravest hitched up his pants and abandoned his huddle in pursuit of the burger ladies. I tried to concentrate on which bacon to purchase as I heard possibly the most feeble pick-up attempt ever tried:

Fireman: Hey, ladies (said the greaser in a 'come hither' voice). Are you gonna cook us dinner? (low laughter from the huddle of firemen)
Burger Girls: HAhahahahaha! No! We were just buying some stuff for our camping trip.
Fireman: I hope you ladies aren't going alone. There are bears up there.
B.G.: Hahahahahahahahaha!(Older lady:) No, no! My boyfriend is going with us. HAhahahahaha.
Fireman:Well maybe I should go too. I don't know what kind of
man your boyfriend is.
B.G.: Ahahahahahaha! Well, if we do get mauled by a bear, hopefully we will be drunk enough to not feel it. We have all sorts of beer and liquor to take with us. Hahahaha!
Fireman: Mmmm, beer. We do that while we're on the clock!
Huddle and BG erupt into laughter. I grabbed the nearest pack of bacon and left.

I continue my shopping picking up milk, eggs, and soda on my way. I stop in front of the yogurt and try to decide if I want to drinkable yogurt or the regular cup of yogurt. I was in the middle of this maddening predicament when out of the corner of my eye I see a huddle of firemen.
'Dear Jesus,' I prayed. 'Please don't let what I think is going to happen, happen.'
I pretend not to notice the unfortunate looking firemen as I grabbed the nearest yogurt choice and sped off toward the register.

"Excuse me, ma'am," hissed the same greasy voice. I turned to face him, obviously annoyed that he was standing there. "You seem to have a lot of groceries in your cart." He smiled at some inside joke that I apparently missed.

"Thank you?" I replied, unsure if he was making a compliment or an observation.

He swaggered up a little closer to me. Unfortunately not close enough for me to feel threatened. Lord knows what would have come from that. "Are you going to cook dinner for us?"

I couldn't believe it. He was using the same line on me. Out of the million retorts that ran through my head I could only spit out a disgusted "no" before walking away.

4 comments:

April said...

hahahahaha...Hope you got his number for me!

shannon said...

That's so hot. I think the beauty of blogs is they make experiences like this almost worth it.

PS - Will you cook dinner for ME??

Reagan said...

The Few...the Proud...The Douches.

The Snells said...

oh come on you know you liked it!! lol I hope all is well with you and andy :) so when is the wedding? any plans made yet?