Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Great Choir Caper

Mission: To gain entrance to Andy's sold out choir concert.
Tactic: unknown

Andy and I discussed several possible tactics as we headed toward the concert hall. "You could sneak in with me," he suggested, "then you could climb the ladder and watch the concert from the ceiling." Tempting, though I have never been up there nor am I familiar with the hall's set up. "I think I will see if there are any tickets left unclaimed," I wussed out. We arrived at the concert hall two hours before the concert's start. I sat down to read my book and patiently waited for the box office to open.
Finally, the box office opened and I watched person after person leave in despair without ticket in hand. The rumor was true. There were no more tickets left. I gathered my courage approached the box office. "How may I help you?" asked a voice that was obviously tired of saying the same thing over and over again. "I was wondering how I would go about getting into the concert." "Umm," she stammered, "The concert is sold out." "Right, I'd heard that. I was just wondering if there was an usher I could bribe or something." "Oh," she said apparently taken back by my bluntness, "Well, the box office closes at 8 and at that time we leave the unclaimed tickets out for whoever. Now, I'm not telling you that you should take someone else's ticket, but that's what I would do if I were trying to get into the concert." I thanked her and went back to my hidden reading area to ponder my newly obtained information.
The lady had told me 8pm. Well, that obviously wouldn't work since the concert started at 7:30. I thought. I had to come up with something else. I paced the halls to the west of the concert hall seeing if there were any open doors. Then I tried the hallway to the east of the concert hall. I found the ladder that supposedly led to the ceiling and seriously thought about exploring it. I chickened out and went back to my undiscovered reading spot to regroup.
I was faced with a problem. I needed to get into a room that was guarded by six ushers. All entrances were locked save the ones that had guard dogs. However was I to get in?
I decided to wait it out. I waited until I heard applause from inside the concert hall and ventured out to see the status of the ushers.
With my back to the wall, I investigated the theater's perimeter. It seemed safe. I slowly crept toward the entrance and with a quick look around, I opened the heavy door. Stealthily I stole into the hallway. This was it. I needed only to go through one door to be in the concert hall. I reached for the door...DRAT! I was suddenly face to face with an usher. The following conversation commenced in hushed voices:
"Hello," the usher said. "Are you going in?"
"Yes," I replied. "I am going in."
"Do you have a ticket?"
I thought about that. Lie? "No," I said pointedly.
"So, you don't have a ticket?"
"No"
"Why didn't you buy one?"
"I tried. The concert was sold out. There were no more tickets left to buy."
"Right," he replied growing ever confused. "The concert IS sold out."
I smiled and did my best to look whatever look allows certain women get whatever they want. "Are you telling me there isn't a single vacant seat in there? Not one open seat?"
It must have worked. The man smiled a crooked smile and told me that there were, in fact, four vacant seats directly above us. He held the door for me as I ducked inside to claim one of the vacant seats. I was able to enjoy the entire concert and marveled and Andy's glorious voice (which, of course, I can pick out from the other 300 voices singing with him).
Mission accomplished.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Meet Morty

Andy and I have obtained a cat. His name is Mort Goldman (fondly after the hypochondriatic character from Family Guy) and he was graciously rescued by my friend Megan and her mom.
This little cat has been my joy for the five weeks that we have had him. He is silly and loves to play (at 4:30 am). He loves sitting in Andy's shoes and is fascinated by the laces. He has learning to climb and exercises his muscles regularly (most recently on our Christmas tree). But Mort now is not the Mort we brought home in November.
November 14th: April was scheduled to come into town for the NKOTB concert and I was scheduled to pick up a kitten. After months of bugging Andy about getting a cat, he finally caved when my friend, Megan, posted that she found a kitten that needed a home. How could he say no?
After work, I rushed home, grabbed andy, and we drove to Ogden to retrieve our new family member. It was, indeed, love at first sight. Megan's mom handed me the kitten and he immediately snuggled into my neck and began purring.
This was the cat for me. After an emotional goodbye, we brought the kitten home.
At this point, the cat remained nameless. He stayed in his crate, absolutely petrified by our enormous one bedroom apartment. To encourage him, I made a trail of food out of the crate. No good. I tried to lure him out by introducing a small moving object such as a shoelace. That sent him into a panic. Andy suggested that I give up and let him come out on his own terms. Ok. I went to set up the litter box. Hours passed and the cat remained frozen in his carrier. Nothing I did seemed to help ease his anxiety.
The time came to pick my sister up from the airport. I moved the cat carrier into the laundry room (which held his food, water and litter box).
When April and I walked into the apartment, I immediately raced to his carrier to see if he had gained courage in my absence. The crate was empty! Frantic, I began searching the apartment to see where he could be.
April and I looked behind the washer and dryer, in all of the cupboards, behind the dvds, behind the tv, behind and under the couch, behind the refigerator, under the bed, behind the dresser, in the closet, under the ottoman, behind the bookshelves, in the garbage, behind the toilet, in the shower, in the fireplace, up the fireplace...everywhere. I stripped the bed, pulled all of the laundry out and then rechecked all of those places. April helped me search and then went to check outside to see if he had escaped while we came in. No kitty was to be found.
I panicked and called Andy. I begged Andy to come home and help me look. 'Don't worry, Candace. He'll come out when he's ready.' You don't understand!! I can't find him anywhere! What if he is stuck somewhere?! What if he is outside in the cold?!!? What if he is starving?!?
Extremely distraught, I decided to take Andy's advice and just wait for him to come out.
Four hours passed with no sign of the cat. Andy finally came home and noticed that I was less than calm. Andy did a quick sweep through the apartment and told me that the cat was under the fridge. Not behind it, under it. That means that April and I moved the refrigerator to look behind it while he was still under it.
We moved the fridge and pulled the now smelly cat out.
He immediately snuggled and began purring. Turns out he didn't want to be left alone. He got scared in such a big place.
Happy ending

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Choose your own adventure: Candace's graceful flight

Read the story and choose your own adventure!

PART I
In her usual rush to catch the 4:30 train, Candace quickly punches her time card and logs out of her computer at 4:23. Without much thought other than making the train she runs to the stairs behind her office. If Candace decides to be lazy and take the elevator, please skip to PART V. If Candace takes the stairs continue to PART II.

PART II
Candace wishes her co-workers a pleasant weekend and walks through the door to the stairwell. She realizes that he had received a voicemail while she was at work. If Candace decides to wait until she reaches the train before checking her voicemail, skip to PART VI. If Candace absentmindedly grabs her phone to check her messages, continue to PART III.

PART III
Candace grabs her phone and looks to see who called her. This small, insignificant decision distracts Candace. This small, insignificant distraction causes Candace to miss the first step. As Candace misses the first step, she drops her phone (which plummets down the thirteen stair flight) and grabs the railing for dear life. She lets out a desperate cry as her shins make contact with the second stair with all of her body weight assisting the collision. If Candace is able to catch herself there skip to PART VII. If Candace loses her hold on the railing, continue to PART IV.

PART IV
As Candace's shins endure an unbelievable amount of pressure due to the sandwiching of them by the stair and the rest of her body, her hand slips off of the hand rail and she tumbles down the thirteen stair flight, not unlike her phone. Candace is able to hit every stair and hand rail available to her and finally finds solace on the landing. She sits there stunned as she catches her breath, assesses the situation, and finds the courage to see if anything is broken. To find out what happens next, skip to PART VIII.

PART V
Candace wishes her co-workers a pleasant weekend and decides that she doesn't feel like taking the stairs. Candace takes the elevator, chastises herself for being so lazy, and safely walks to the train.

PART VI
Candace leaves her phone where it is, understanding that she should pay attention the the stairs as she descends them. Candace safely makes it downstairs, to the train and proceeds to check her messages from the comfort, safety, and warmth of trax.

PART VII
Candace is able to steady herself and make sure that neither tibia is broken. She chuckles to herself for being such a klutz and slowly walks down the four flights of stairs, picking her discarded phone on the way. Candace makes it safely to the train and retrieves her voicemail.

PART VIII
Candace doesn't think anything is broken as she can move her feet with only screaming pain. She tries to stand. Since nothing snapped upon standing, Candace figures her legs probably aren't broken. Candace decides to screw the following three flights of stairs and takes the elevator. After retrieving her phone, she hobbles out of the hospital in which she works and limps across the street. She finds refuge and comfort on trax and forgets about the voicemail. Who cares anyway. She calls her sister to regale the tale.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

All cheery and ho ho ho all the time.

How do I describe to you the amazing experience which I endured in Arkansas this evening? My family and I went to support the neighborhood tree lighting ceremony. It was all you could imagine a good ol' down home tree lighting ceremony should be. We stood in the moist cold and waited for some old dude (extroardinarily long winded) to finish thanking all of the sponsors. When he was finished a very nice minister by the name of 'Naughty reverend' as evident by a very festive sweatshirt, gave the crowd an extensive backstory of the song 'have yourself a merry little christmas' as sung by the radiant Judy Garland from the movie Meet me in St. Louis which we never actually sung. Once he finished we awkwardly joined in with Silent Night as can only be heard by dogs. In otherwords, only an eleven-year-old boy could hit the notes. But everyone tried anyway. The tree itself, I fear I cannot do justice. While it was larger than the well-loved 'Charlie Brown Christmas' tree, it was dwarfed when compared to say, a normal christmas tree. Decorated well with random fruit and glass bulbs, the tree was gloriously lit with lights from walmart (on sale for $2.88!).
After freezing and pretending to sing, we moved inside to observe the after party. Within the warmth of the country club we had the pleasure of conversing with some of the locals. Here are a few topics of choice:
1. A very sweet old man was describing the abomination of black friday. On thursday, he had found a jacket he liked which was 50% off with an additional 30% off but was told that the following day would be an additional 40% off. Upon returning the following day, he found that it was 40% off with an additional 40% off. Either way, it cost the same. He mentioned that the aforementioned worker was a shyster. He mentioned it not once but thrice.
2. The nearby amusement park has their very own award winning production of the Christmas Carol. This show is... tolerable, at best. They have recently added new numbers to make usual 30 minute show a painful 60 minute show. As I remarked about the new addition, a lady told me, "Well, it's great theater if you haven't been to places like New York and Idaho."
3. As more and more people began emerging with various plates loaded with food. A woman who was not quite of average weight emerged with two large plates of food. She passed us and squeezed past a few others to find a seat. A woman wearing a "Nice" sweatshirt (who I assume was the 'Naughty' counterpart) noticed this ample woman and said, "Oh! Are you feeding everybody?" If I were the woman with the two plate of food, I might have told Mrs. Nice to gain some friggin' tact. In all honesty, Naughty and Nice were demonstrably reversed.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

They've still got the right stuff...

Last weekend I had the honor, nay, the sheer joy of attending the New Kids on the Block concert with my sister. To really do this story justice, I must start the narration around 12 pm, when the fun began. Because of our extremely early rising (at the lovely hour of 9) we were able to get an early start, departing my department around 11. We ran a few errands with the NKOTB in mind. The first stop was Joann's for the absolutely necessary iron on letters. Were these iron on letters necessary? The answer is yes. With our iron-on letters in hand, we turn our sights to Nordstrom rack for boots. April found quite the kick-ass pair of knee high black boots and I decided on a pair of purple suede boots. Growing ever confident, we made our final stop at American Apparel, the only place you can find every style of t-shirt ever thought up (that's about all you can find there). April found a green t-shirt, while I chose a plain jersey with purple sleeves (seems to be the color of choice for such an evening).
With our outfits complete, we headed to Meg's house to visit and begin the creative process.
As little girls, my sister and I had many shrines to our beloved New Kids. April had the New Kids birthday party, we had every album, and we even had a few NKOTB barbie dolls (which I promptly removed the rat tails with my trusty scissors). I just want you to understand that this is love that is 19 years in the making. April will not settle for anything less than Jordan Knight, and while I am madly in love with Andy, Danny Wood will always hold a special place in my heart. This is the back story for our homemade t-shirts. Honestly, how many 23-27 year olds do you know who can sing "Didn't I blow your mind this time?" in its entirety?
After exercising our brilliant creativity, we returned home to put the outfits together and primp for our boys.Excitement filled a two mile radius surrounding the E Center of West Valley City, UT. While singing (yelling, rather) various New Kids tunes we handed over the $10 parking fee and skipped to find out seats.We had many false alarms during which we heard loud cheering and screaming...we never found out exactly why people were screaming. At that point, we were still about an hour from actually seeing the New Kids on the Block. That gave April and me just enough time to use the restroom, grab a beer, and find our seats.
We sat through two thoroughly forgettable opening acts. We confusedly watched Lady Gaga gyrate around the stage using her magic glowing crystal as her own personal spotlight. girl sang five songs, yet one would never know it. It truly was one long continuous song. It wasn't until after she finished that April informed me that she actually had performed five songs. Amazing. Next up was Natasha Bettingfield. At least this girl could carry a tune. She could belt and stay on pitch (novel concept). The only shame about this performer is that her songs are so terrible. Truly a shame.
Finally, the 'moment I have waited for my entire life' as April so aptly put it, came.
The crowd roared with anticipation as a large screen asked the crowd if they were ready. With this prompt, the E center began to rattle with excitement! As the glorious harmonies of the new kids barely raised over the already rambunctious crowd, each woman in the audience exploded with excitement. April and I grabbed each others' hands and jumped up and down.


We screamed like ten-year-old girls and sang the well known songs at the top of our lungs. We realized from time to time how old the 'new kids' were. I gained a new appreciation for Danny as I watched the now 38 year old take a two minute break dance solo. April practically flew out of her seat as Jordan took the microphone topless.
April flew to Salt Lake all the way from San Francisco to see this concert. Was it worth it? Definitely. Step by step they proved that they have the right stuff. Hang tough, boys. You totally blew our minds this time.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Mixers

Before anything is written I must dedicate this blog to Dr. Smith, without whom the documented festivities would not have been possible. Thank you, Dr. Smith, for your generosity.

The office in which I work is filled with very competent professionals backed by several medical and administrative assistants. During work hours we are serious (mostly) but last week we decided to let our hair down for a fun night in Deer Valley.


After much fretting about the possible caption for this photo, I decided that it was impossible for me to come up with anything that could be considered 'family friendly'.


Sher found a robe and drank with great gusto. This was shortly after she put on a Bret Michaels album and serenaded the lot of us. It was stellar.


I felt that this was a great demonstration of the overall feel of our little soiree.




Also, Dr. Smith, Andrea wasn't lying when she said that she and Melissa were spooning. I hereby present you with proof.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The happiest place on earth

This weekend we had several things to celebrate. First and foremost, Andy celebrated his 27th birthday. Next, Saturday marked our official 6 months to our wedding. Thirdly, Monday was our 4.5 year anniversary (yes, I still celebrate the six month marker). We decided that the only place that could handle such celebration was Disneyland...the happiest place on earth.


We got stuck inside the Matterhorn and had to walk through the ride to get out. We saw it with the lights on which broke the illusion, but was secretly really cool.



Andy found a delicious Turkey leg...I stuck with mouse ears ice cream bar.


I fell in love with WALL-E all over again.


.
We found out that I still hold the title of the Wicked Queen and we also learned that Andy's disney character is Mulan. Ask him about it. He is really excited.
Andy tried desperately to pull the sword from the stone.


We decided that Disneyland is still one of our favorite places to be. Happy Birthday, Andy!!