Fusion Food Confusion

About a month ago, my office decided that our Christmas party would be a pot luck. We brainstormed the type of meal we wanted to share and everyone signed up with the chosen theme in mind. The theme: Baked Potatoes. Delicious, right? The long list was passed around the office and people signed up to bring every possible topping you could ever want for a baked potato. Some of the assigned toppings included Chili, Sour Cream, Olives, bacon bits, cheese, etc, etc, etc.

Apparently, some people didn't grasp the concept of bringing what they signed up for. Some people didn't understand that the theme had been set and when everyone brought their assigned item, a delicious feast would commence. Some people didn't understand that other people count on these specific items to garnish their baked potato!

Weeks passed and the day of the pot luck arrived. Everyone entered work with a song in their heart and a crock pot in their hands. Merry Christmases were wished and gifts were opened. With the spirit of the season, we all sat down to feast on our delicious loaded potatoes...but what is this?

The potatoes were bakes and warm, as promised. To go with them was butter. To top the butter was cheese and olives. But where was the chili? Where was the broccoli? Where were the other toppings? I looked around the room confused that no one else had noticed the missing necessities.

I looked in various crock pots to see what had been brought instead. I found beef stew and polenta. I found a large crock pot full of BBQ meatballs with Hogie rolls. I found another large crock pot full of sweet and sour meatballs with more Hogie Rolls. I found a jello salad and a chocolate cake that was so chocolaty, it was almost black. Don't get me wrong, all of the food was wonderful and delicious....but there was no fusion. The catastrophe was a fusion food confusion.

I sat down with my beef stew, polenta, BBQ meatballs and a jello salad. I didn't have a baked potato. I didn't want one anyway.

Taking one for the baby...

This time of year tends to inspire the exchanging of gifts, Christmas gatherings, and baby showers. Yes, thrown in with the fruitcake and the yule log was a baby shower for one of my co-workers. This co-worker is wonderful and therefore I was happy to attend a shower in her honor. I inquired about what she needed, printed off her Target gift registry, and proudly marched into Target to purchase the perfect gift for her bundle of joy.
I enter the store at about 6:30pm: Operation: Baby. I make for the baby crap...I mean, section and wander down the five aisles Target has sanctioned for babies. Apparently, all extravagance of infancy can be neatly nestled into five friggin' aisles. I beg to differ. I wandered those aisles at least four times and didn't find a single thing listed on the registry. I stopped a clerk to make sure the problem wasn't my own daftness..."oh," said the pubescent 16-year-old."I guess we're out of it." I understand stores run out of things, but the list in my hand was about fifty items long. I find it hard to believe they just happened to run out of all fifty items requested.
No. I was not about to give up. Target is supposed to be better than WalMart. They are supposed to have quality products for which you didn't mind paying the extra $1.25. I was on a mission. As I searched the five aisles for the fifth time I recognized a woman I had seen 15 minutes before. She looked tired and disheartened.
"Have you seen the EvenFlo breast pump?" she asked with a hiccup of hysteria in her throat.
"No," I replied. " I was looking for that myself. It seems as if everything people are looking for are mysteriously out of stock."
"That's what I figured," said the woman becoming more discouraged by the second. "Don't you love baby showers?"
"Nope. Sure don't."
We shrugged at each other and parted ways.
For the sixth time I circled the pointless shelves and BEHOLD! The magic diaper genie appeared seemingly out of nowhere! Without hesitation I greedily grabbed the "genie from heaven" and ran to the checkout.
As I drove home from my victorious find I realized that I had no gift bag, no tissue paper, and no card. Angry at my premature jubilation I settled for WalMart.
I entered the store around 9pm and saw an awkward character (as is a necessity of WalMart)...he was the Salvation Army bell ringer. The bell ringer (let's call him Steve) seemed oblivious to any and all passersby. Steve was preoccupied with his bells. He had one in each hand and was making them sing to each other. Imagine, if you will, a slightly inebriated Santa entertaining himself by assigning characters to his bells. Sad to say that Steve was the highlight of my evening.
I ran into the store, purchased the needed materials and wrapped the gift.

I found out the next day that the baby shower had been cancelled. Damn it.

The End of a Friend

First off, let it be known that I love reading. I love literature, I love language, I love being so immersed in a book that I wouldn't notice a small earthquake as long as I was reading.

There are few books that put me into such a trance...Catch-22 happened to be one of them.

Today I finished Catch-22, after a month and a half of reading. Usually such a long time would suggest that I didn't enjoy the book. On the contrary, it was one of the best books I have read. It was sarcastic, ironic, hilarious, thought-provoking, and heart-breaking. I have never laughed so hard at a book as I have with this one.

While finishing a book creates a feeling of accomplishment, I feel a little sad to be finished with it. I enjoyed every page of it and, while it had a good ending, I wanted it to continue. I wanted to follow the protagonist and see if he succeeds. I am hesitant to read the sequal, as sequals are usually depressing and stupid, but maybe I will. Just to see if it can compare.

So, good-bye, Yossarian. Good luck in Sweden. Perhaps I will pick you up again in a few years. On to The Sound and the Fury!

A Fish Out of Water

Last night I attended the Salt Lake Choral Artist's concert at the Mormon Tabernacle last night (Andy's Choir). Since Andy had to be there at 6 and the concert didn't start until 7:30, I thought I could use the time to catch up with an old friend and look at the beautiful lights. If you have never been to Temple Square between the time of Thanksgiving and Christmas, I suggest you go. It is beautiful.

On our way to Temple Square, my friend called me and informed me that she would not be coming. Awesome. No worries. I can still get some hot chocolate and wander. Ok. As we got out of the car (three blocks away) I realized that it was much colder than I anticipated. Slowly, we made our way toward the illuminated castle as my runny nose began to freeze. My toes began to tingle, then lose feeling...followed by my calves and then thighs. My gloveless hands began to ache in the unadulterated chill of the wind.

We reached the tabernacle and Andy had to go to join his choir. All I needed to do was find some warm drink, sit down in a warm spot, and read my book until the time for the concert arrived. Easy. I made my way to the "Nauvoo cafe" for a delicious treat. As I approached the counter I graciously allowed the 16 year old worker to finish her conversation with her friend on her hot pink razor. She looked at me with frustration, told the person on the end of the line that she "had to go" and proceeded to stare at me wordlessly. I looked around to see if I missed something and asked if I could order some hot chocolate. She handed me a pack of swiss miss (well, the equivalent of) and told me that it would be $2.08. Whatever. I grabbed a 16 oz cup when she informed me that the 8 oz cups are for hot chocolate. I asked if I could have a 16 oz cup seeing as how it was so cold outside and the fact that I just paid $2 for some powder. "No," said the adolescent. "You have to use the small cup." Whatever. I grabbed the non-biodegradable cup a little too fiercely and went in search of the "hot" water (which turned out to be luke-warm at best).
I looked around the cafe and every seat was taken. I had to brave the outside.

I exited the building slightly more frustrated than when I had entered and was run over by a pernicious 7-year-old. As we collided, my precious $2 8 oz hot chocolate met its end on the concrete outside of the cafe. I counted to ten as I found a near by seat. I pulled my phone out and called Tommy, someone I knew could sympathize with my predicament. I chatted with Tommy as I watched very jolly people skip around all the lights. I saw people on dates, families in warm coats, and random people asking for change...which was always granted. The temple was crawling with people and it reminded me of a not fun Disneyland.

I finished my phone call and checked my ticket to see what time the tabernacle doors would open for seating. Behold! They were to open in 20 minutes!! The clouds parted, and God smiled on me! Ever-conscious of my visible breath, I threw my sad empty cup away and ran to the tabernacle. I was the third person in line and at least had the company of very friendly old people around me. The missionary standing guard was quite congenial and offered interesting tidbits about the construction of the temple and the history of the buildings. He asked everyone around (by this time there were about 50 people in line) if they had read the most recent "Ensign" (you could tell he was from out of town because he pronounced it correctly). Everyone (but me) raised their hands and giggled from self-achievement. I stood looking around who had read the most recent "Ensign" until I noticed the man was looking directly at me. "For those of you who haven't," he said to me, "yadda, yadda, yadda." What he had to say was interesting but by this time I was concentrating on two things...#1: staying on my feet as my legs again, had no feeling...and #2: tolerating an old man rubbing up against my back side.

The line grew longer and I began to feel shoving. The people in the front were being pushed off their balance from the others behind them. I tried to move to where this strange man's body wasn't constantly touching me, but no matter where I moved, he followed, apparently glued to me. After working at a clinic for sex offenders, I tend to jump to conclusions. I turned around and asked him very politely to step back (as my attempts failed. Perhaps he didn't know he was so close). "Don't you like the heat?" the old man said with a toothless grin. Disgusted, I shoved my way to the other side of the line.

The concert was wonderful, the dinner afterward was great, but it was my experience at Temple Square that really made it worthwhile!

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .
The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

My newfound ADVENTURE!

Friends!! The most exciting news!!
Last night I booked a trip to Ireland!

This was definitely a last minute, spontaneous, booking that began on Friday! I woke Andy up on Friday (with little tact due to overwhelming excitement) and told him that we needed to book a trip from Travelzoo right now. I explained to him that it was the last day to book and we just had to go! Now, Andy and I had discussed this...kind of. The conversation went more like this:

Andy: I got your email. You want to go to Ireland?
Candace: YES!!
Andy: All right. Let's go.

Now, in my mind, that was confirmation that the trip was definite and all we had to do was book. Little did I know that after that conversation, Andy hadn't given the notion another thought. You can guess his surprise and confusion when I woke him up and announced that we were going to Ireland. Poor, Andy. I am a bad girlfriend.

My hopes were crushed until I found out we could book until the 31st of October! I had five days to make this work!! Much discussion followed the next few days. Endless "What ifs" and "Hows" and "When" filled our days until last night. Andy was stellar and called the travel agent. He found out what we had to do, where we had to go, etc. He figured out how to make the trip possible. Yes, he is that wonderful.

When I got home, Andy had the trip pulled up on the computer. February 19-26, from JFK to Shannon, staying at the Breaffy House, automatic car, and loads of adventure! I screamed and giggled and danced and texted...all we had to do was enter the payment information. Trustingly, Andy handed me his Credit Card on his way out the door.

And that's it! I put the information in, and we are going! I can't even express my excitement. For once, I am happy that Christmas came in October!!

How is it almost November?

It's around this time of year that you realize the year is almost over. I swear that I just had my birthday (May) and find it odd that we just celebrated Andy's birthday (the 27th). I become uneasy when I switch my attention to the holidays that always seem to sneak up on you regardless how prepared you are. I find myself overwhelmed and suffocated by the thought of Christmas. I know it is over a month away, but it is here. You walk into stores and are instantly bombarded by premature Christmas music and the stink of holly. And then there is the dread of budgeting out your Christmas list for the year. Juggling the "giving spirit" while making sure you can afford rent, car insurance, food, gas, etc. I have this part down to a science. I pride myself on coming out ahead due to my clever ability to budget. Still...the mere thought is daunting. 'Tis the season for heartburn and anxiety.
Thanksgiving is four weeks away. That means Christmas is eight weeks away. New Year's is nine, then we have to start again. and again. and again. Forgive me. I focus on the inconsequential. I am excited to go home and spend Christmas with my family. Christmas is always better when you are home. It becomes meaningful again...like when you were a kid. Not just a headache, but happiness. Maybe it is happiness because of all of the shenanigans leading up to it. I don't know.
I digress.
Andy's birthday was this weekend!! Festivities began on Friday when we went to see the Odyssey Dance Company's production of Thriller. If you live in the Salt Lake area and are not familiar with this show, you are sorely missing out! It is such a good time. We were harassed by the skinny zombie girls and decided to harass them in return. We named them and tried to carry on conversations. "Abagail? You look like hell! What happened to you?(Imagine that in a Robert Goulet voice)" The girls were unable to respond. Either we rendered them speechless or the only retort they could muster was odd sounding grunts.
Saturday (Andy's birthday) was a little strange. Andy had a choir concert the night of and spent the majority of the day in rehearsal. A group of us went to the concert to cheer on our favorite red-head. He sang with the passion of a monk and maintained the disposition of a surgeon. The concert was beautiful. I just love watching Andy perform. He is fantastic. The concert led to dinner at the Bohemian then back to the apartment for conversation on hot chocolate (accompanied by a mediocre birthday cake...my bad).
Sunday, Andy awoke at the crack of noon and had to run out and get Guitar Hero for the Wii. With his new toy in hand we headed home to play with it. Shortly after Brett called and Andy proudly told him of his new investment. Brett proceeded call Andy demeaning names...turns out he was at Best Buy purchasing Guitar Hero for Andy's birthday. Thwarted! All worked out as we went to see the Nightmare Before Christmas (in 3-D, fantastic!) and had a spiritual dinner at Ruth's Chris.
The birthday was successful. The boy is officially 26. But that means it is almost November. How is it almost November?